Over the years we have heard some pretty amusing stuff in video production. This is a cache of remarks, rumours and jokes collected by us. We welcome suggestions from people in video and film production - send an email to <francis@visualart-tt.com> with an amusing anecdote.


Client: OK, I think we should start from the window where we can see the view outside and then pan to the interior.
DP: That can't work, we are shooting with high speed indoor film and outside will be overexposed.
Client: I don't understand why that can't work? My Handycam can do it...

P1: Client is on the phone, says that he wants to email some video.
P2: Sure, how long is it...
P1: Says it's a 30 minute documentary
P2: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

To intern: OK, here's the purchase order, we need you to go down the street to the paint shop and buy two gallons of checkered paint for the studio.
(10 mins later)
Intern: They wanted to know what colour
To intern: Black and white
(10 mins later)
Intern: They said they're out of black and white
To intern: Ok, black and grey is fine if they have it
(10 mins later)
Intern: They don't have any black and grey, but they have blue and white
To intern: Ok, get the blue and white then
(10 mins later)
Intern: Alright, alright, that was a good one!

We have this tape, but the audio was recorded in a big room. We'd like to EQ out some of the echos!

(Cameraman talking to person sitting in front of camera): Ok it looks good now.
(Person in front of camera): Oh really? Can I see?.... (gets up)... how come I not seeing anything?

Edit out the person asking the question... how about we type up the question, put it in a box, right, and (making hand gestures) fly it through the window like an effect while the camera is zooming in!!!

Any way we can look at this film before we send it to Miami to process?

Their non-linear system doesn't have to render anything. You just process everything into a clip.

I have a six hour tape, how much things could fit on it?

Can we soften the close-up, but keep the crispness?

Client wants to cut down a 20 second ad into 30 seconds

I want you to pan the camera up and down, not side to side!

Client: Can you dub these tapes in fast forward?
Tape Op: Sure, not a problem, you will just have to press the slo-mo button on the VCR to watch it.

Could you speed up that clip, but keep it the same length?

Oh is this real time rendering?

Send the audio as an Illustrator file!

Can I get a quick cut?
Hmm… (watches client sideways) might need to render that… ::pause:: ok, how's that look?
Can it cut any quicker than that?

Has the tape finished dubbing?
Uhh, the show is 18 minutes long, and we're about 11 minutes into it already
Ok so how long again then?
::pause:: It'll be another 7 minutes again
Ohh so I can come across for it now! ::click!::

Aye, I like how that PAL dub looking! It giving it a... a... a feel!
Yeh well you'll get that when converting from NTSC to PAL
I like that look... possible to get that look on NTSC?
Nope
But how I watching it? Why I can't get that look if I watching it on the monitor?
Because that's a PAL monitor
So why can't you go through the monitor and record it back in NTSC?
Uhhhh...
Yehh, just take the output of the monitor and send it to this Betacam deck
Because that Betacam doesn't record PAL
So why we can't just switch the output of the VHS to NTSC instead?
Because we'll need two multistandard decks to do that...
So we can't just loop out of monitor?

How about I fax that diskette over to ya...